Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Obsession - Battle of self deprecation

“When you live with voices in your head, you are drawn inextricably to voices outside your head. Very often the voices work to confirm your worst suspicions. Or think of things you could never have imagined! There are only so many hours of the day to hate yourself.” - Emma Forrest, Your Voice in My Head
 

templeofdamneds

 Obsession, a compulsive often unreasonable idea or emotion. My obsession is a self imposed attack on my body that's not only pervasive, but changes it's angle of assault every 4 -6 months. My mind, whether from a comment, a look, a misunderstood text, or a bad day, will berate me about a particular body feature without mercy. After I became completely obsessed with it, even making unreasonable changes, the area of obsession would change. I literally dropped all thoughts concerning that body feature or action and begin a new regimen of torture around the next perceived "fault". This led me to believe that the problem wasn't necessarily in the feature itself, but in my self-perception and what I perceived others thought of me.  Most of the time what I thought they thought about was wrong. That "look" that was given was totally unrelated to who or what I am. My egocentricity made me believe that I was the topic of every thought process in those around me. The plain truth? Most of the time no one cares enough to think that long and hard about me. The implications of the problem didn't concern me but a solution did. To begin my offensive against my renegade thoughts, I knew I had to be happy with my body and refuse to interpret what I believed others where thinking. I recognized the futility of conforming to a constantly changing standard of appearance and found that happiness with who I am is the greatest compliment to my being. Holding my head high, I'll be confident and sure, no matter how I think you think I look.

01282012

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