Monday, December 31, 2012

What She Thinks - An addicts inner struggle after relapse

"Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence." - Hal Borland

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak." - Thomas Carlyle

 


"I will not give up, I don't care what I feel like, what they say, or how many times I fail, I will keep trying..." This became my mantra on nights that never seem to end.
 
Up all night. I'm tired but can't sleep. I ache with fear, anxiety, wanting so badly to do good, to be a better person. Seeing the sunrise through my tears, sobs coming deep from my soul. I am ashamed at what I did to get high. My will is held captive to this lifestyle that I despise, and yet seek at every opportunity. Shame, it burns in my soul every time I fail. I overheard their comments, “she is so cool except when she gets high.” Thieves gather around my life, seeing my weakness, they intend to rob me of what little possessions I have, of my own body. Here is my shame, I know better, I can do better, yet I fall prey to my craving and the traps they lay for me. I pray for a way out, morning after morning, failure after failure, long tortuous night after long tortuous night. I no longer enjoy getting wasted, it leaves me wanting, thirsty for more, there is never enough. I want to be satisfied. So many people to blame, I even blame God for the cruel things that have happened to me, time and time again. Funny how I blame and cuss the same God I call on for help when I'm scared out of my mind, a knife at the throat of my life. Deep inside, I know that I can get out of this mess. I will be a success. Someone will love me, not just use me. I will stop this madness. My shame will be forgotten, my tired soul will sleep without fear. I will keep trying and never stop getting back on my feet. 


"No matter what others see, though I'm beat down on the outside, inside I refuse to give up and I will stand again."



Also published in: Wingposse, 05-08-13
 

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4 comments:

  1. God is the one that loves you, and works all together for good if you turn to Him! Your character emits true inner conflict. Are you still in the challenge?

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    Replies
    1. yes indeed, every day, every minute, every second. What you speak is much easier said than done. How many cliche's have made words of truth seem of no effect?

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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks anon, the works presented here are squeezed from my soul by the vice of pain.

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