"Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence." - Hal Borland
"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak." - Thomas Carlyle
"I will not give up, I don't care what I feel like, what they say, or how many times I fail, I will keep trying..." This became my mantra on nights that never seem to end.
Up all night. I'm tired but can't sleep. I ache with fear, anxiety, wanting so badly to do good, to be a better person. Seeing the sunrise through my tears, sobs coming deep from my soul. I am ashamed at what I did to get high. My will is held captive to this lifestyle that I despise, and yet seek at every opportunity. Shame, it burns in my soul every time I fail. I overheard their comments, “she is so cool except when she gets high.” Thieves gather around my life, seeing my weakness, they intend to rob me of what little possessions I have, of my own body. Here is my shame, I know better, I can do better, yet I fall prey to my craving and the traps they lay for me. I pray for a way out, morning after morning, failure after failure, long tortuous night after long tortuous night. I no longer enjoy getting wasted, it leaves me wanting, thirsty for more, there is never enough. I want to be satisfied. So many people to blame, I even blame God for the cruel things that have happened to me, time and time again. Funny how I blame and cuss the same God I call on for help when I'm scared out of my mind, a knife at the throat of my life. Deep inside, I know that I can get out of this mess. I will be a success. Someone will love me, not just use me. I will stop this madness. My shame will be forgotten, my tired soul will sleep without fear. I will keep trying and never stop getting back on my feet.
"No matter what others see, though I'm beat down on the outside, inside I refuse to give up and I will stand again."
Also published in: Wingposse, 05-08-13