Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Hand That Helps

 “You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” ― John Bunyan


magictransistor

Repeating the refrain of old warriors a certain one of them, having found himself at destinies juncture, has lent not just a hand, but a life to aid one had fallen, namely me. To this end, that I might be found whole again, a work was instituted that in spite of my efforts (for I often sabotage my own salvation) continues to this day. He is called in the popular tongue an Indian, more specifically, a Native American, and was a large man with long black hair, who inspired respect, if from nothing more than from his size, reached down to assist me by holding back the powers of a dark world of addiction and the apex predators who prowl its labyrinthine corridors. With his family by his side he took me in, giving me refuge and a place of recovery without which I'd probably been dead or worse (there are things worse than dying).

During the time of his heaven sent provision an alternative lifestyle began to show itself. Don't take alternative to be a freaky derivative of normality, but it was an alternative compared to my insanity. His family was simply just that, a family. This greatly put me in awe, for this thing called family was an institution of which I've been deprived of and seeing his daily dance of life with his wife and child put me at ease and challenged me to walk a different path. This path included a particular music with which I began to fall in love with as the music for my own dance with normality. 

Understand that people who are impaired, whether physically or mentally, can dance but not like an unimpaired person would. My twirls and spirals, off beat and tragically humorous created a unique rhythm that would like the Native American drums, inspire me to reach beyond myself, beyond what I knew, and teach me things that though unseen were amazingly tangible. The reason I write is to honor him and the amazing work that his random and sometimes not so random acts of kindness began in me many years ago. So my friend, where ever you are, I can still see you who with unwavering determination gave me hope and with your Bruce Lee One Inch Punch gave me a bruise and reason to not wound this opportunity to grow.


Friday, May 15, 2015

Alienation of a Soul

“When you're socially awkward, you're isolated more than usual, and when you're isolated more than usual, your creativity is less compromised by what has already been said and done. All your hope in life starts to depend on your craft, so you try to perfect it. One reason I stay isolated more than the average person is to keep my creativity as fierce as possible. Being the odd one out may have its temporary disadvantages, but more importantly, it has its permanent advantages.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy



jeancon


I've lost it all, all my compassion, all my empathy, all my concern for the flip flop of dire humanity around me. I built my life around trying to “do the right thing” in personal relationships, with both the stranger and the wife, the friends and the foes. Right now, it doesn't seem to matter in the least whether I was good or bad, made wrong choices or excellent decisions. It's strangely exhilarating to, at least in theory, be done with everyone, like the chains have fallen off my mind. A very experienced convict told me that if I wanted to be bad all I had to do is get in touch with the hate in my heart. I've a lot of hate, but how to touch it was beyond me, being constrained by an itinerant love which I called God's love. With this new advent of running empty of that supposed love, I find reason and wisdom calling for me to listen. After years of letting people run rampant through my gardens, I want to put up barbwire fences and sit with my armament waiting for these pests to dig under it. I don't want to be bad per say, I just want to be free from the derision that comes with helping people and the struggle with being good to them. I still haven't touched that hate, but losing touch with my empathy is leading me down a path that there may be no returning from. I don't want to be concerned with anyone's life or opinions outside of the one with me here and in spite of the responsibility I feel to take care of my significant other, that concern is suffering as well. All this is the fruit of leaving my first love, the God that reached down through the clouds of my deformation and showed me in a moment that His love is real and tangible. On bent knees I seek Him again to save me from myself, from my predetermination to propagate the horrors and injustices born against me.

”If you love them that love you, what credit is that to you?” - Luke 6:32



Monday, May 11, 2015

Nearly Broken

“You can break a thing, but you cannot always guide it afterward into the shape you want.” ― Holly Black, Tithe 


sin titulo


Time and times buffeted by
Winds that don't rhyme
Till all in all I was
Nearly broken

Echoes of voices called me
Through the ripped joy
Delusions they found me
Nearly broken

Family gone and friends not found
Nor all that comforts
Abandoned and left for
Nearly broken

God knows my many feelings,
my crazy mind
He keeps me from being
Always broken


Saturday, May 9, 2015

Scared

 “Most men either compromise or drop their greatest talents and start running after, what they perceive to be, a more reasonable success, and somewhere in between they end up with a discontented settlement. Safety is indeed stability, but it is not progression.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy


journey illusions



Wildness birthed in his eyes
Crazy he tries,
Running without a place to go

Chased by fears in his mind
Desperately finds
Everything can hurt in the end

Fleet of foot he roams
Spinning alone
Fathers been gone for years

Calls from jail coming again
He denies within
Whats destined by nurture

Tears his inheritance
a due recompense
A life spun out of control






Thursday, May 7, 2015

Blossom - Rebirth of a lover

What a strange thing!
to be alive
beneath cherry blossoms.” 

“A fallen blossom
returning to the bough, I thought 

--But no, a butterfly.” 




crazyformusic

Lightness, adrift but within my grasp always. 
Your like the blossoms of a tree, brushed off by the wind, 
yet still you belong to me, 
though we are apart. 
We're intertwined souls, mated by nature and God. 
Soon I shall lift you back up, 
from my roots you will be reborn 
to forever be one with me.
Your my bloom my love, this tree will always sustain you. 
I long for you to be on my branches once again, 
the whole of nature in agreement with the union. 
Oh how naked am I, my lover! 
How my branches sway at the sight of you! 
Come clothe me with your fragrant beauty, 
and let us be whole again!


08042011

Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Myth of Betrayal

“Instead of being presented with stereotypes by age, sex, color, class, or religion, children must have the opportunity to learn that within each range, some people are loathsome and some are delightful.” ― Margaret Mead


yuhimebarbara



For the longest time I've wrote and mused about the betrayal of friends and lovers until TD Jakes said something that altered my view from here on out, “They never betrayed you because they were never your friends”. My mistake is that I put people who were never my friends in a place of trust and honor and shared with them secrets and insights from my deepest thoughts, which things were turned against me in due time and used to degrade, insult, and hurt me. But the mistake wasn't theirs, it was mine for misunderstanding that there are different kinds of people that need to be categorized into different kinds of relationships. I'll use the animal kingdom for an example. A wolf may kill a buzzard without a thought, therefore the buzzard treats the wolf with caution and flees, they don't “hang out” together. This doesn't make the wolf irrelevant because the wolf will create opportunities and lead the buzzard to food. As long as the buzzard realizes the limits of the relationship and stays within those confines, it'll be safe, but if it mistakes this provision of food for proof of safety from the wolf, he will die one day and that quite suddenly. The lesson is this: Firstly, I must filter people into the correct category. Secondly, I must keep them there and never change the arrangement because of my feelings.
 
Why did I make this mistake to begin with? Because loneliness, low self-esteem, and a myriad of other psychological crap that's followed me from my childhood makes me hungry for approval and friendship, and when I'm hungry, I'll eat anything. People I know are bad for me have crept in by familiarity and the whip of loneliness has driven me to them for company and comfort. Another reason for my mistake is my spirituality. Being of tender heart and convinced I must do good for others, I've put myself in close proximity to dangerous and unpredictable people and mistook my desire to show them the love of God as accepting them and showing them I trust them, allowing them to access to my soul's secrets and confidence. Everyone's seen a video where a guy jumps a fence or reaches through it to pet a wild animal. The results are usually catastrophic and the thought comes to mind immediately, “What the hell were they thinking?”. There are no fences in life unless we put them there and no signs warning us unless we write them. I'm upset at myself for having gone this long without understanding this principal, however it's never to late to learn, so here's a mighty shove to push everyone away from me while I reevaluate the relationship we share.
 
 
 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

The Hermit Chronicles: Castle Of Singularity

“...Disgusted at the guilt or absurdity of Mankind, the Misanthrope flies from it: He resolves to become an Hermit, and buries himself in the Cavern of some gloomy Rock...” - Matthew Gregory Lewis, The Monk



seattlestravels

I existed alone, in a little cave of nowhere, and was quite content to be exactly there. Gladly retiring to my castle of singularity, I sensed others around me, not prowling, but curious of my existence. I hid quietly, waiting for them to pass by like so many times before, but then, I hear a turn in the leaves of the path leading to me and with crunching steps coming close by, my hiding place is soon revealed. I've discovered many places to hide, and in spite of my camouflage, there I'm found. I don't want you to find me, I want to remain secluded, my resources won't support your hunger and thirst. No matter how I try, they come. With desires no man can tame, they press me out of my comfort and push me to give something of myself. What is it about a man who takes no pleasure in company, that lures so many to invite themselves to just that, his company? The more I push and pull from society, the more curiosity I inspire. Can't you just pass by and not put the blame on me for the fall you'll take when you follow me down these endless, circling, rocky paths? You'll blame me when your hurt, saying, “You never looked out for me, you led me down the wrong path” and lay on me the guilt of your choice. Turn back curious onlookers, here in this dark cave lies great desire, desire that will fuel the pain of loss, for only when you desire much are your hopes dashed when all that you sought disappears in the dark once again.

Monday, April 20, 2015

The Fall Of Leave

“pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly, and if left unresolved you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.” -Wm. Paul Young, The Shack


ourholyprincesszelda

Stepping over the edge, I fall gentle but fast

Everything a blur, except the ride now past

I struggle on clipped wings of desire

Feathers floating in a pinion fire

Calls they echo, off cliffs of saddened

Still I fall, my wings abandoned

A dream condemned only in aviary free

Wounded wings of fate in the fall of leave

01252012

 Also published in Broowaha

Friday, April 17, 2015

Trusting A Friend

“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”
Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God




lovepeacexxoo


Sunshine friends, there when the sun shines but when the weather changes for the worst, they leave. Good friends are there no matter what, they stick around, they support you, they give advice that may or may not be what you want to hear. Never giving up, the strength of their arms is there for whatever you need. I know one who meets these criteria whom I'll call Big Daddy and who others call by many names, especially - “God”. I won't give my trust to someone until I've seen them in action when the crap hits the fan. If I want to trust Big Daddy, by my own definition, I should wait to see him in action. In other words, how can I know God's a provider unless I'm in a place of lack. How can I know God's a protector unless I need to be defended. How can I know God's a healer unless I need healing. These things I've described: lack, vulnerability, and sickness were initially viewed as such severe acts that I shouldn't have to go through them, but if that were so, how can I ever trust, especially one who I cannot see? 

Trouble in our lives is necessary if we're to know the personality of God. Here's where I've seen Big Daddy work in my life. When I was molested, he saved me from death. The rapist and the molester could have killed me. As for the mental scars, which are severe, God helps me to recover with patience and love during my midnight breakdowns. When I was attacked and feared for my life from both spiritual and physical situations, God intervened time and again and let me recover from physical and psychological pain. When I was heartbroken by lost love and betrayal of friends, God stepped in to provide direction and comfort. When I was destitute, by my own hand and by the hand of circumstances, Big Daddy provided food, clothing, and housing. How did all this occur? Some instances of His help are beyond explanation, and some came by the hands of others around me. 

Why did he use other people instead of just stepping in and making this or that appear out of thin air? Because in the turmoil of life my heart will harden to loathe people and hate their company. This is contrary to the family life that God wants for us. He used other people to overcome the tendency to harden myself, isolate myself, and hurt people who had nothing to do with the original problem. It's human nature to want vengeance and exact it however we see fit. It's God's nature to promote family and unity both with each other and with ourselves. The end of the thing is this, in my life I've experienced great pain and terror and this is my testimony: Big Daddy was always there, in the deepest, darkest, lowest depths to reach out and give me love, hope, and help. Let this be your experience as well, call on Him and He will help you. The help doesn't always appear like you may think, but it works out for your best.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Guile's Subtle Creature -

“Full of wiles, full of guile
at all times, in all ways, 
Are the children of Men”
Aristophanes

kingmc81

Free me from guile's subtle creature of passions hateful exile

The allies to my rescue will come quick as the dawn and just as sure

Wrest me from the chained facade of my minds deceitful succubus

Burdened with troubles provoked like mist from the crashing waves

What guards me from the charms of a women not so innocent

Fear and Pain lead me away from her with dangerous dreams

Teach me my dear brothers with your wisdom gleaned from crow's sight

Deliver me from the lies and deceit that hate has born on it's wings


Also published in Broowaha Citizen Magazine

08302012