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| annallese |
I took her to the club the next
evening and we walked out back to light up before I left. I stepped over popped balloons, looking at first glance, like a kids party gone wrong. My shrinking naivete
was talking, but when one stuck to my foot that explained it all. That's were
she chose to tell me what her sinking mind was planning next: she
wanted to do private parties. Mother fuck me hell of hells. How many
levels of pain are there following this broken Angel down the
stairs of confused curiosity? I supported her, God knows I wouldn't
want her alone with a bunch of drunk men. She would introduce me as
her “bodyguard” so her tips weren't affected. If the customers
knew she had a boyfriend there, their cash would stay in their
pockets. So there it was, I'm downgraded, at least publicly to
“someone who watches out for me” which is quite a bit different
from “someone I'm in love with”. I learned a bit of self control
after my explosion in the club and the hardness settled in nicely
around my heart, like when it's cold and I pull the blanket in
close. But the blanket never seemed big enough and part of me was
always feeling the cold breeze of greed and deprecation blown by her
incessant curiosity and growing boldness.
She made the arrangements and scheduled
her appearance at a party in, of all places, a trailer park. I shook
my head in disbelief. This is not glamorous! A shitty trailer park?
Why couldn't she see the sick way her life was turning? I went,
nervous and sweaty, shaking with fear and disbelief. Showing no
emotion in my eyes, I awkwardly performed my tasks, playing her music
and verbally acknowledging what was acceptable. Her eyes lit with
childlike excitement as she played the role, her young body teasing
the men to a dull frenzy. She turned and smiled at me, enjoying her
power over them, over me. Something fucked up happened though, I felt
turned on by this, seeing her in vulnerable positions, just
short of following through. Guilt over my arousal, confusion over my
new role, and a consuming love for her, brought
the flames from the devil's den to the door of my mind and fueled a
fire that changed my desires forever. This is how it happens. How a
man can slowly become the thing he hates by following a woman he
loves. My appetites wet by this indecent exposure set me on a new
collision course of right and wrong, love and lust, money and sex.
Caught by my Angel, my innocence used against me, luring me away with
knowledge of depravity, a drug of different sort. I tried to resist
this descent, but my Angel, she swallowed the hook, the only question
was, who held the line?
