Sunday, May 19, 2013

Angel, Part 8 - Drug of depravity



annallese
I took her to the club the next evening and we walked out back to light up before I left. I stepped over popped balloons, looking at first glance, like a kids party gone wrong. My shrinking naivete was talking, but when one stuck to my foot that explained it all. That's were she chose to tell me what her sinking mind was planning next: she wanted to do private parties. Mother fuck me hell of hells. How many levels of pain are there following this broken Angel down the stairs of confused curiosity? I supported her, God knows I wouldn't want her alone with a bunch of drunk men. She would introduce me as her “bodyguard” so her tips weren't affected. If the customers knew she had a boyfriend there, their cash would stay in their pockets. So there it was, I'm downgraded, at least publicly to “someone who watches out for me” which is quite a bit different from “someone I'm in love with”. I learned a bit of self control after my explosion in the club and the hardness settled in nicely around my heart, like when it's cold and I pull the blanket in close. But the blanket never seemed big enough and part of me was always feeling the cold breeze of greed and deprecation blown by her incessant curiosity and growing boldness.

She made the arrangements and scheduled her appearance at a party in, of all places, a trailer park. I shook my head in disbelief. This is not glamorous! A shitty trailer park? Why couldn't she see the sick way her life was turning? I went, nervous and sweaty, shaking with fear and disbelief. Showing no emotion in my eyes, I awkwardly performed my tasks, playing her music and verbally acknowledging what was acceptable. Her eyes lit with childlike excitement as she played the role, her young body teasing the men to a dull frenzy. She turned and smiled at me, enjoying her power over them, over me. Something fucked up happened though, I felt turned on by this, seeing her in vulnerable positions, just short of following through. Guilt over my arousal, confusion over my new role, and a consuming love for her, brought the flames from the devil's den to the door of my mind and fueled a fire that changed my desires forever. This is how it happens. How a man can slowly become the thing he hates by following a woman he loves. My appetites wet by this indecent exposure set me on a new collision course of right and wrong, love and lust, money and sex. Caught by my Angel, my innocence used against me, luring me away with knowledge of depravity, a drug of different sort. I tried to resist this descent, but my Angel, she swallowed the hook, the only question was, who held the line?

Cruel - My body wears her marks

 “People speak sometimes about the "bestial" cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“True beauty is something that attacks, overpowers, robs, and finally destroys.”
Yukio Mishima


ladyjordison
Cruel her whips of love,

Holding hands in chains

And with a slap and shove



Cruel her feet lead away

Left with a subtle kiss

Leather and studded sway



Cruel her hands choke and rub

Enduring eager strokes

With angry slick gloves



Cruel her wet licks on thighs

Stains of lips and teeth

Bring to head a deep sigh



Cruel the game she plays

Morning and evening

Tortured memories remain

I Miss Me

 “There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?' If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble.”
Sam Keen,
Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man
 




I gave you my desire,
I gave you my fire,
I gave you my touch
I loved you so much

I gave you my labor
I gave you my anchor
I gave you my shield
I loved you to yield

I gave you my years
I gave you my tears
I gave you understanding
I loved you unending

I gave you my nights
I gave you my rights
I gave you my soul
I loved you to be whole

I gave, you took
I gave, you turned
I gave, you went
I gave, I miss me.... 



Also published in Broowaha 

01202011



Pee - The stain never fades

 “PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.” - Susan Pease Banitt


dirtifulmind


The stain spread across her crotch and down her legs. Not sure why, being far past the age when self control is learned, but her young body seemed to respond this way. She knew what this meant, the beatings, the torture, the hell that came by the hand of adopted dads and step moms who didn't understand why. Did they consider that maybe something's wrong? Did they know that a babysitter used the bathroom to defile her innocence, violating her with fucked up fantasies? No, she was left to deal with the severe repercussions, searching for a remedy. The diaper she wore in public (embarrassment being the rod of chastisement her step parents thought her worthy of), locked her in stocks of shame that forever took the pee stain, and engraved that young mind with its stench. She prayed often in those days for the God that raised people from the dead, the God that made blind men see, to just do a simple thing and dry her stain. Of course, the wetness never dried until it was to late, and her young faith died after many unanswered prayers. Let this be a warning for parents everywhere, pay attention to your kids, there are reasons why.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Disturbed - Knowledge of the forbidden

“It's not him who's disturbed. But he likes to disturb others--to shake them out of their rut.” ― Jostein Gaarder, Sophie's World

 

pozadia - dark water
Disturbed within,
troubled are the waters of deep dark sin.

Without a tale does not tell,
that crawling underneath all is not well.

Froth and thick mire,
disguise the water and lay straights dire.

Lift my head Spirit on High,
knowledge of the forbidden brings great sighs.

Wrapped irony and ruse,
dark times wring a soul's purple bruise.

Who can see the a way through,
all the pains and sins that shadows knew.

Troubled thoughts, disturbed again
quiet atrocities within.



Also published in Broowaha Citizen's Magazine 

05292012

Nightfall - Grip of the illicit

“I was more addicted to self destruction then to the drugs themselves ... 
something very romantic about it” - Gerard Way

“Drugs are a bet with your mind.” - Jim Morrison

   

indiscreet-girl

Your legs are splayed in graphic way
Wanting to leave this world, come and play
Scoring your hits under the dark world
Flying inhibition burned in pink pearl
Reaching for your body magnificent
I'm held at bay by your habit's descent
Changing fondled object of desire
Picking at your curves, soft skin on fire
Tears are my lover as you fade from sight
Pleasure was ours until you hid in your night

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Like Heroin - Addicting pleasure

“It was what she imagined doing heroin would be like: terrible for you but impossible to resist.” - Libby Schmais, The Essential Charlotte


aminamomina

Your fire melts me, held in the spoon of your love

Your hands draw pleasure deep,

In a gentle push your seduction overcomes me

Your touch brings me peace, like heroin in my soul


Slight touch, sliding into my conscious will

Deep warmth creeping into the void

Gentle smiles invade empty rooms

Your touch brings me sleep, like heroin in my mind


I chase hand blazed trails with my eyes

Hoping to breath in your essence

Unnatural pleasure this thing you do

Your touch is addicting, like heroin in my body


Also published in Broowaha

02022012

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Endless Sky - An Intimate Encounter

"I knew myself no longer. My original soul seemed, at once, to take its flight from my body; and a more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrilled every fibre of my frame.” - Edgar Allan Poe, The Black Cat 


shemakesdirty-wordssoundpretty

I lit the coals with yearning, 
deeper than times sand.
I stoke them with nature's trinkets
Mischievous I take your hand.


Tender violence my guide
Bringing you to passions door
The flames burn hot and long
We consummate the lore


Fighting to feel not wanting to resist
Together in universal rhythm we tread 
Heat of friction driving your desire
Caught in throes, an endless sky our bed

Tied with bonds of forbidden
Bringing creation to savor the burst,
I find you my sweet fragrance
Satiated with passions thirst.

Scarlet silk creates your hidden visage
Tide of lust breaking ground in blurs
Flamed tongues burn hot and long
Embracing you a yearning stirs



Air controlled by a strangled grip
Crashing through passions door
Leaving you shaking in pleasure
On weakened wings we now soar

Pain creates a direction to new edges
When again we on those heights tread 
Let the torrid heat drive our desire high
Caught in throes, an endless sky our bed




Related post: Holy Sanctum

Also published in Broowaha Magazine

01262012 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Triage

In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” - Brennan Manning, Abba's Child

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.” - William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet



I gather the wounded, from near and far
Giving my gift, no matter who you are
There are those who hurt, rip, break and maim
Even when slashed deep, I'm still the same
Reaching out in the raging battles night
With calm words healing, bringing compassions light
Warriors hardened with ease they kill
My talents bind the bloody that is my skill
So go with your swords, by them you'll die
I come with second life, breaths from on high
I'll relax on that day, with friends all around
People I never knew, in the field I found
They made it through with unsightly stitches
My helping hand, pulled them from the ditches
Triage is my name, and I wear it with pride
The next skin I save, may be your ugly hide

Time for Observation- Seeing the problem

"If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles." - Sun Tzu

 “Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” - Sun Tzu
 



There are things amiss inside my mind that are revealed at different stages of life. Being sensitive to these times is crucial; it is their observation that presents the advantage. The opportunity may soon pass, leaving me to deal with the repercussions. Though it's uncomfortable to face a deficit of body, mind, or character, acknowledgment of it is the first step in healing and recovery. Why this happens in particular time frames is a mystery but Sun Tzu emphasized waiting for these special times in dealing with enemies. Likewise, I use this perception of the problem to gain the upper hand on habits and stubborn, painful problems. Learn about what you see, study it. Observe it, not to make judgments on it, but simply explore the parameters of the trouble. Make notes on it, listen to advice, opinions, studies, or simply examine times and places of it. Whatever your observations, they are all necessary for the fruition of victory. In all this watching, I learn about myself, and to know myself is prerequisite to victory.


09202012