Friday, December 12, 2014

The Wind - Fellowship of the wind

“It's the questions we can't answer that teach us the most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he'll look for his own answers.” - Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

 


I could feel the strength of the wind. 
Fresh, dark, mystical wind.
On the shadowed side of the steep mountains, 
clouds hovering, the wind teasing, 
making smoke tails.
Strange feeling, exhilarating yet, 
peaceful, almost entrancing, 
the wind in my hair.
Smells, fresh, moist, sounds of a tree, 
a falling comrade in the green forest, 
all carried by the wind.
How is it that I fit in this mystery? 
How is it I'm taken by this wind? 
Like a seed carried away from my past, by ever present but constantly changing wind,
Dropping me pleasantly down 
to finish my here and now. 
Brother wind and I take flight.



Also published in Broowaha



10022011

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Cold water, Dry run - Heal the wounds of yesterday

"Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.”  - C. JoyBell C.



Trying hard to find water in a dry land. A parched, dry, burning throat tortures me. My lips, peel like mud flakes baked by the noon heat. Life was here, now, only the memory of life conveyed in the carved, hard mud of me, a dry lake. Then a soft wind blows, the temperature drops slowly, a coolness invades, and the clouds gather promising a new thing is on its way. Soft drops escape at first, slowly building a faceless mob. Each drop makes a mark, dimpling the ground. The little craters overflow and begin to form a growing conglomeration of streaming water alliances, gathering momentum and finding their way to the thirsty lake, filling the deepest cracks first.


Notice the deepest cracks are the ones first filled with the life-giving water. Likewise, notice how the deepest hurts are the first healed when the fulfillment of your hearts desire comes to pass. It's a beautiful to see life restored. There is a fulfillment in hope and contentment after suffering. It feels so good, like cold water after a hot run.



Also published in Broowaha


08172011

Saturday, November 29, 2014

The Great Adventure - Part 1

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." ― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild




youngdreamerlove

The trip began by assembling simple items that would benefit a grand adventure in the wild forests of unknown. A can opener, lighters, a couple of pocket knifes, cans of beans we surreptitiously obtained from mom's cupboard, the obligatory camouflage jackets and pants, and of course a machetes to hack our way through the grass and brush. We made the mile trip to the wooded point right on the cliff above a shallow gulch. Pine trees formed a tidy circle around a clearing and their needles made a nice bed. The sound of wind blowing through these made an eerie sound, especially for boys like us at the ripe age of 14 and 15. Many long days were spent filled with exciting adventures into this government reserve, which by the way, we weren't supposed to be in, which added to our sense of danger that all boys crave to some extent.

Climbing through the 8 foot chain link fence that surrounded it, we pushed our way through the tall grasses and crossed a couple of dirt roads worn with the convoys of jeeps, tanks, and supply trucks. The last obstacle we clambered across was a double row of razor wire that lined the fields. We knew all the paths and shortcuts here and had already squashed this down and laid branches over it to tip toe on. Finding things while we hiked was an awesome thrill. The biggest finds were items lost or left behind by the troops, MRE's being the supreme score, followed by empty ammo bags that clipped on to belts, and shell casings, with which we filled our little bags and bringing a smile that only being incredibly stupid and getting away with it can bring to the little men we were.

Reaching the clearing, we built our rough lean-to and found sticks to build a fire. We didn't understand that if you're not supposed to be there, lighting a fire on the edge of cliff that overlooks much of the land around it, is not a good idea. But in our exuberance, we lit our little fire and boiled some water to add to a spaghetti MRE I found and heat the beans we stole from Mom. Night came soon and we settled in under our shelter and played with the fire, watching the sparks swirl and find their way up to the star filled sky. Our spot was lit up to the edge of clearing showing the trees and brush around us, beyond that it was pitch black and made the more so by gazing into the fire before we looked out toward the dark. The evening this far was uneventful and our stay in this forbidden zone an apparent success.

Suddenly, right behind our lean-to, a loud snap of branches shot through the night and right up our young spines. Hairs on end, we stumbled forward in a blind panic and grabbed the machete and large walking stick, hewn in boredom just moments before. Standing back to back, gazing at what we couldn't see, our eyes struggled to make out any images, our ears keen to the slightest twitch of grass. Was it an animal? Or worse, the Military Police? The MP's were more trouble but we out ran them several times because of our knowledge of the nook and crannies and subtle shortcuts and paths, but, the animals were a big problem. The paths we found were theirs and running wasn't a good idea. We whispered back and forth having seconds to decide what to do and like most options presented to those caught, running like hell seemed to be the best way out. We sprung through the trees and bounced through the razor wire like an Olympic hurdler fueled by adrenalin and youthful agility. Hearing more snaps and bushes shaking supercharged our escape and made the dark obstacle course easy. Soon the mile was behind us and we dove through the fence finding our way home. We collapsed in excited jubilation with our hearts pounding out 200 beats a minute. The escape was pulled off without a hitch and our confidence grew to heights that can only be reached by imagination. This was a success, however there where things in life that wouldn't be so easily overcome and these tests waited for us with hungry anticipation.



Tuesday, November 25, 2014

None Shall Pass

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”  - Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees


 
s-a-e-c-u-l-u-m

This is no ordinary little house, in a dark wooded lot, with a long curving driveway. Quintessential in time, the smell of rotten leaves, moldy dead trees, and moss create an invitation likely to instill fear. Leaves and draping parasitic vines serve to block out the intrusion of light. Things crawl and slither, poisonous things with teeth naturally sharp to penetrate the hood of protection. A damp chill wraps up the weary and pulls them to the coldness of the nether world. Light mists drift low to the ground, creeping with ethereal madness. Large things, nightmares, snap twigs and disappear with startling proficiency. These all have conspired to hide escape and draw the fearful soul deeper and deeper, sliding down the viscous sides of mortality's flowers in a one way trip. The house is ancient in design, hundreds of years ago the brick and mortar were set and stony copper gargoyles put here to observe the folly of one gone mad. The door is misleading, it's a lure, pulling and tugging to get it's prey close, crushing hopes with its efficacious skill of holding fast against panicked desperation. Fists pound against it creating unheard echos and with beastly strength the spell is transferred from spirit to flesh. Vibrant greens are subdued to the gray and black of lands beyond. The colors are smudged by an errant creator attempting to dismiss this aberration. Bones of lost hope litter the exposed roots and walkways, little roads to nowhere showing tracks of the worst going in circles. This is the notorious lair of depression, many will enter, none shall escape.
 


Sunday, November 23, 2014

No Fear

“Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”
George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones 

 
Noctturnalromance


Walking towards the house, I just finished spending another evening with my church youth group. On the way something sinister stirred in the shadows. No sound, just glimpses of dark, darker than black, accompanied by a deep foreboding fear. Forcing myself along the path, all my nerves are on end as I scramble to find a weapon worthy of this opponent. My fists were no match, guns likewise. I needed something without form to battle the unseen opponent. Words, that will do, they have no shape and find you even when your hiding. I've got the weapon, now which words? The pastors taught me words exist that are extraordinary, having more weight and value than common words, words that were in themselves different. The most powerful of these are the words that looked ordinary, but are changed by my belief about the source and effectiveness of them, i.e. they gained value in this battle by virtue of the faith I placed in them. It wasn't that is faith that did it, because I had to actually use the words, but it was faith that gave them the edge to cut the dark. I read this somewhere, “You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.” Repeating this I tried to understand how to fight the fight that is not fought with fists but with belief. I believed that Big Daddy (that's what I called God) let me find those words as advice. Fear has torment and I was always afraid, so this whole thing was a training ground to overcome fear and learn how to fight what is called by others as “the good fight”. The victory to press past this feeling and not turn around and run, was not a gallant one at all, it was horribly clumsy and vacillated between wanting to run and wanting to oppose this fear. All said and done, I made it through, I didn't die and I learned a valuable lesson that equipped me for the rest of the craziness called my life.




Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Forensic Analysis

“If suffering like hers had any use, she reasoned, it was not to the sufferer. The only way that an individual's pain gained meaning was through its communication to others.”
Diane Wood Middlebrook, Anne Sexton: A Biography 




floweerheaad



I reach through the fodder of my mental plane wreck, grasping, trying to make sense of it. Like a forensic crash analyst, I pick up pieces of my shattered self and hold them up to the light, turning them over and over looking for reasons of the devastation. Is it operator error? Did the machine break? Was it an act of God? Did someone fail to address issues that led to this? These questions are valid even when looking at my human psyche, and to that end I believe that all apply. I made mistakes, very big mistakes, and even if I were normal and my mind healthy, mistakes would still happen. Yes, the machine is broken, it's totally fucking obvious to anyone who knows me for any length of time that I'm fucked up in the head, that shit ain't right with this guy. People contributed to this trashing of my soul: abuse, neglect, rape, bullied, rejected, abandoned, violent brutal attacks on my body and mind, yep, all done by others. The sad thing is not that these happened, 'cause shit happens to everyone, but that, like in movies when they dunk the guy underwater then before he can take a breath he is shoved underwater again, it's the frequency of the shit that keeps hitting my fan. I'll barely have a hold on my PTSD and I'll be attacked violently, or someone will violate my space by stealing from me, betraying me, or whatever. It happens over and over again. What in the hell is God trying to show me? What fucking possible good can there come of my constant devastation? I've held on this long because I'm so concerned about taking the next breath that I can barely see beyond right now, in fact, dreams of the future are gone, if they ever were there. I only remember one dream, that of being a veterinarian. It was shot to hell very quickly as I got bullied and fucked with, even by teachers and adults. So that's it, I was given one dream, it's gone, so fuck me, all I have to look forward to is catching my breath the next time life pulls my head out from under the water. OK, wait, some self righteous asshole from the back says, “You carry yourself like a victim, that's why you keep getting attacked.” Oh, fuck me, is that the answer? It's my fault? Hell, well now I'm all better, thanks. This is not a whining rant where I want people to feel sorry for me, its mainly a way of examining the evidence and helping me toward recovery from all this shit. I don't want advice, I just want to fucking yell at the trees and mountains 'til I've exhausted all my homicidal and suicidal screams, 'til I've cried all my tears and I can't cry anymore, scream and scream until I break down and stop fighting against life. I've survived what would have killed most people, I'm still holding on to shreds of sanity and empathy that many would have lost by now. I'll be OK, and perhaps somehow, I'll find out how to piece this shit back together, but I seriously doubt it will ever fly again. 

Also published in Broowaha

Spiritual Guidance

“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors?
” ― Jarod Kintz
 


horrorchic87



Help me! I can't see and my eye is swollen and throbbing. My lips are cracked and parched, I taste blood. He has me bound and my breathing is painful from broken ribs. I cough up blood and spit it out on my dress. I thought he would take care of me, protect me and guide me. That innocent dream is gone as I hear the sound of his breathing in the next room. Does anyone know I'm here? Does anyone care? I should have made different choices, followed advice, and been more careful. This is my fault isn't it? I begged for this he said, because I dressed the way I did. My walk was the lure, because my hips swayed a little too much, because I was confident had long hair that only added to his desire. I struggle against the stiffness settling in on my body and mind, perhaps the shock is wearing off. God I hope someone is praying for me. I feel around trying to find something that will help me out of here. As I fumbled around I bumped the door and it budged! Peering out of the small crack I see evidence of him all over, liquor bottles and clutter. I open the door a little farther and notice that he has passed out on the chair with drug shit all over the table in front of him. I struggle to stand and barely made it up before I fell with the thud on the floor. I shuddered with stifled terror filled panicked breaths believing that my fall would wake him. With my head on the floor I can see a steak knife just at the edge of the couch and I work my way toward it. I managed to with great effort get my hands on it, and began cutting the leather belt that held my hands. Damn the movies make this look easy, but it takes for fucking ever to do it and I manage to give myself quite a few cuts before I'm actually am free. My adrenaline is kicking in hard and it beats back the haze that is growing over my thoughts and making me dizzy when I stand. I hold the knife firmly, thinking as I work my way past him that I would drive it right through his eye, but I didn't, I just want out of here where I have a chance to live. I didn't think I wanted to live on quiet nights when I was hurt and lonely because of lost love, and I'm ashamed now knowing how bad I just want out of this and to be alive. I open the door and run through the street grabbing a cab that happened to be dropping off his passenger. I should go to the cops, but I don't, I just go back to my apartment. He knows me and he'll be back, after all, every pastor should know where the ladies in his congregation live.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Crutch

“And so, irritants, it is with this that I leave you. You are spared so that you can think of what it really is to live in a world that engenders a pain for which there is no comfort. Here is your product! You have the rest of your lives to think of this. And I suggest you think quickly, for a long life is never a guarantee.”
Jhonen Vasquez, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: Director's Cut 


il-gusto-dell-orrido

No way out, that's plain to see,
No breaks here, at least not for me

Created someone, by choices of peers
People pleasing, bad choices in years

Time is here, for the ugly plans
Another choice, to take a stand

In the mind, I thought I'd be
Options present, from a Divine We

Way is clear, two roads to home
My destiny, no guilt to own



During the course of a man's life there are certain actions which to him are inevitable. His nurture of violence, rejection, torment, and pain makes a repetition of this lineage probable in many areas. When the professionals look at his past and problems, they commit him to a destiny with their prognostications. Cursed with the Homicidal Triad, he carries the weight that his life is over and many others will end by his hand. Perversions visited on him time and again long to be reborn in a vain attempt at control and vengeance. He is for all intents and purposes, a dangerous time bomb that, not a matter of “if” but “when”, will explode. He carries himself in a way that attracts the vermin and vultures of the dark life who, smelling blood, come and circle him in an ancient dance of death. They smell blood and think it a sign of weakness not knowing the he cut himself to draw them in. He does this so the ones he takes with him will be deserving of the death he brings. This way is clear and this way he will follow by virtue of having no other choice. No choice until one is taught to him by a God unseen, but heard and felt. His father told him that faith is a crutch for the weak, he now learns faith will save not only him but those he set his crosshairs on and if not for the crutch, then the kill. Look for the choices you misfitted rejected ones, there is a way that leads out of the darkness.


03302014

Cruel - My body wears her marks

 “People speak sometimes about the "bestial" cruelty of man, but that is terribly unjust and offensive to beasts, no animal could ever be so cruel as a man, so artfully, so artistically cruel.” ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“True beauty is something that attacks, overpowers, robs, and finally destroys.”
Yukio Mishima



 
ladyjordison


05192013

Cruel her whips of love,
Holding hands in chains
Giving a slap and shove

Cruel her feet lead away
Left with a subtle kiss
Leather and studded sway

Cruel her hands choke and rub
Enduring eager strokes
With angry slick gloves

Cruel her wet licks on thighs
Stains of lips and teeth
Bring to a head deep sighs

Cruel the game she plays
In the morning lights glow
Tortured memories remain

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Fulcrum

“There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. Still, we all have it—that part of our soul that is irreparably damaged by the very trials and tribulations of life. We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it. Some use it as a shield to hide behind, others as an excuse to do unconscionable things. But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so.” ― Jenna Maclaine, Bound By Sin



petitecem

Building my life on this fulcrum, everything I have hangs the precarious balance of needing you and needing to get away from you. Tainted is the air I breath and colored is the pain I have with the odorous stain of you. Pride bends low in wet mornings, on decks with those whose pain I have far surpassed. They are hardened, unable to feel the pain anymore, as for me, I just got here, not so long ago, when the crucible of your hot irons scalded me into blind submission to you. I called my mother and asked her when the pain will stop, it's been years since I've seen you. Yet, it's like an hour ago I nursed the burns and savored the pleasure of you. Songs on the radio brings tears to my eyes, every sweet moment of tenderness I glimpse between lovers brings a knot to my throat, a wrenching in my gut, and a fresh trail of moist sorrow from my eyes that runs down my neck and seeps under my shirt. In the routine of living, where mourning was a stranger, are found new altars of sadness. Shaking from holding in tears, the doctor says he can't get the MRI to take a good picture. I'm partying with good friends, but I'm hollow, so I go outside for some fresh air and to shed more drops of missing you. They say, “Quit your whining. Jesus, everyone goes through shit!”, but you know, sometimes the shit just gets to be to much, to often, and to long. I'd not be the first strong one to break under the pressure of love gone wrong. I won't break and to live is not hard, but to love you and love another is the tortuous path ahead of me and a balance I must achieve. 

Also published in Broowaha