Friday, April 17, 2015

Trusting A Friend

“But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through.”
Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God




lovepeacexxoo


Sunshine friends, there when the sun shines but when the weather changes for the worst, they leave when their most needed. Good friends are there no matter what, they stick around, they support you, they give advice that may or may not be what you want to hear. Never giving up, the strength of their arms is there for whatever you need. I know one who meets these criteria whom I'll call Big Daddy and who others call by many names, especially - “God”. I won't give my trust to someone until I've seen them in action when the crap hits the fan. If I want to trust Big Daddy, by my own definition, I should wait to see him in action. In other words, how can I know God's a provider unless I'm in a place of lack. How can I know God's a protector unless I need to be defended. How can I know God's a healer unless I need healing. These things I've described: lack, vulnerability, and sickness were initially viewed as such severe acts that I shouldn't have to go through them, but if that were so, how can I ever trust someone, especially one who I cannot see? 

Trouble in our lives is necessary if we're to know the personality of God. Here's where I've seen Big Daddy work in my life. When I was molested, he saved me from death. The rapist and the molester could have killed me. As for the mental scars which are severe, God helps me to recover with patience and with love during my midnight breakdowns. When I was attacked and feared for my life by both spiritual and physical situations, God intervened and time and again let me recover from physical and psychological pain. When I was heartbroken by lost love and betrayal of friends, God stepped in to provide direction and comfort. When I was destitute, by my own hand and by the hand of circumstances, Big Daddy provided food, clothing, and housing. How did all this occur? Some experiences of His help are beyond explanation, and some by the hands of others around me. 

Why did he use other people instead of just stepping in and making this or that appear out of thin air? Because in the turmoil of life my heart will harden to people and loathe them and their company. This is contrary to the family life that God wants for us. He used other people to help overcome the tendency to harden myself, isolate myself, and possible kill people who had nothing to do with the original problem. It's human nature to want vengeance and exact it however we see fit. It's God's nature to promote family and unity both with each other and with ourselves. The end of the thing is this, in my life I've experienced great pain and terror and this is my testimony: Big Daddy was always there, in the deepest, darkest, lowest depths to reach out and give me love, hope, and help. Let this be your experience as well, call on Him and He will help you. The help doesn't always appear like you may think, but it works out for your best.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Guile's Subtle Creature -

“Full of wiles, full of guile
at all times, in all ways, 
Are the children of Men”
Aristophanes

kingmc81

Free me from guile's subtle creature of passions hateful exile

The allies to my rescue will come quick as the dawn and just as sure

Wrest me from the chained facade of my minds deceitful succubus

Burdened with troubles provoked like mist from the crashing waves

What guards me from the charms of a women not so innocent

Fear and Pain lead me away from her with dangerous dreams

Teach me my dear brothers with your wisdom gleaned from crow's sight

Deliver me from the lies and deceit that hate has born on it's wings


Also published in Broowaha Citizen Magazine

08302012 

Friday, April 10, 2015

Throwing Stones

“There is nothing like wounded affection for giving poignancy to anger.”
Elizabeth Gaskell, Wives and Daughters 



"On the lips of my lover, lies a betrayal so near
Hearing words of hate, her lips rape my ear
If it came from my enemy, this trouble I could bear
I'd understand, my mind made aware
But the kiss that offends, with violence brings a tear
Comes on the lips of my lover, her love a lethal snare"
- DMW

It was you, my closest friend. All my secrets I held out for you to know, believing your promise of fidelity, but you've betrayed me. Quickly love turns to anger, the jump's not that far. Passion that today ignites my soul with pleasure indescribable, tomorrow burns me to the ground with anger that refuses satisfaction. Using my love as a means to extract from me the duty of provision, you bring destruction with your kiss. I had a stray dog that I couldn't keep. I threw stones at it with tears in my eyes. The dog didn't understand my stones were of love, we couldn't be together, so I had to make it leave or we both would suffer. I hurled these stones again at one who I loved so deep. Watching her leave, with tears in my eyes, why doesn't she understand it was her errant Judas kiss that birthed this painful moment.



09042012

Friday, April 3, 2015

Beyond Skin

 "The finest clothing made is from a persons own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this" - Mark Twain




I can see the glow, coming from beyond skin

spinning without forethought, a plan birthed in divinity

giving place to free will, a path of infamy


I can see the glow, coming from beyond skin

Take the vast and mythical and explain it

No way to understand, no way to tame it


I found it there, hiding beyond skin

Satiated I take the sheath of your soul

And make it mine, beyond my walls of show


When I take what's beyond skin

All the wild worlds of you become mine

An expansive universe that's skipping time

Thursday, April 2, 2015

No Blame

“When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.”
Elizabeth Gilbert,
Eat, Pray, Love

“All great and precious things are lonely.” ― John Steinbeck, East of Eden


society--killed--the--teenager






When I complain about being alone I have a person, an event, or self deprecating fault in mind as to the cause of this loneliness. I want to blame something. It's because so and so left me, or my parents didn't raise me right, or I'm so (insert self deprecating comment) that no one wants me. I've learned a lesson in the last few weeks as I ruminated over this and realized that there are times when it's meant for me to be alone. There's no one to blame, fate and divinity have ordained it. There is nothing I can do to stop it, it must be endured. I'll be betrayed, forsaken, abandoned, used, lied about, or just plain left alone by all my friends and family. It'll happen to me and you regardless of where we are or our social standing. Fighting against it by coercing companionship or drowning the feeling with substances or mindless activity only prolongs the agony, for unless I accept this solitary moment and let it work the work that needs to be done, I'm forestalling my personal growth, spiritually and inwardly, i.e. there are times when I need to be alone

The flip side is -it hurts and it's tough to persevere. I need swallow this bitter pill and go on to a more palatable existence but I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept my own advice as I struggle through the agony of each moment, plagued by tears and a deep ache in my stomach. It's harder to live the truth than to know it.










Monday, March 30, 2015

Blur

 “Our time together was a blur—not because I was drunk, which I was, but because our love was like the beating of a hummingbird’s wings.
”
Jarod Kintz, My love can only occupy one person at a time



wikipedia


Bodies finding their way back to earth,
goaded on by the great Shepard age.
Flocks of words begging to forgive,
left wandering amidst endless space.
Loving souls are cracked forever,
scars litter the way to this.
History is written with permanence,
by blue flames this ink will fade.
You can't see the endless stars,
with blinding tears in your eyes.
With a short goodbye they blur,
The beauty missed carried on by one.



Saturday, March 28, 2015

The First Rung

"The first step, my son, which one makes in the world, is the one on which depends the rest of our days." - Voltaire

 


Reaching up from this muddy pit
My hands find the first rung
I'm not letting go of it, my feet still stuck
Screaming at the top of my lungs
From this first rung on the ladder
I'll not be thrown
Everything's in me yelling, you can't do it
Everyone's around me laughing at my attempts
No comfort, no friends when your down this low
The first rung is all you have
Yet I climb, slapping for the next rung, I'll ascend
Out of this frothing mire
I'll not let go, beaten down time by time
I find myself alone, beginning again
I shake myself from my own doubt
I find myself afraid to succeed
What will be required of me?
No more easy carefree existence
The struggle becomes necessary to stay on the ladder.
At the bottom, swimming aimlessly in the lost masses
Who cares what you do?
As you climb out, everyone looks at you, they are encouraged by your rebellion
To climb out of their own mess, to take the challenge of living again.
This first rung, the hardest, taking the most courage to live beyond
The lies spoken to you from those in your youth, and by your lovers
Who are no longer there.
Discomfort at having to leave your habits, your friends.
Not everyone will follow you up,
Most times, no one will.
You'll have to meet those who are climbing on your way up.
You see they left the mire long ago,
Every now and then glancing back to see the despair
Which they escaped so narrowly.
So I cling, to this first rung, by tenacity, hard to define
This first rung is life, this first rung is mine.

Also published in:  Broowaha
Also published in:  Life As A Human 


03082011

Friday, March 20, 2015

Quiet Retreat

“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?” ― John Keats, Letters of John Keats







Forsaken by sanity, forgotten by humanity, she fought just to keep from fighting. Barely one step ahead of the encroaching madness, weary from the race, she laid down her arms. Passive resistance to no avail, giving all to go beyond today but consumed by fear of tomorrow and an unspoken dread of a foreshortened future. Like a gold ring in a pig's snout her beautiful body hung from a leprosy filled soul. Her mind wasn't empty but overcrowded with thousands of thoughts every minute, from the mundane to the complex, the raucous sound filled every crack and crevice of brilliance and care. She died long ago, resurrected once, only to be crucified again by the same love that brought her life. This cross she bears through life, stumbling in the crowded streets with the roar of the past and the horror of the future the foreboding songs of the morning. Hear her silent scream, silent lest the world hear the echoes of her demise. In the end, only God knows why she's alive, why she persists, why living is a threat and death a quiet retreat.


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Sighs - all that's left

“I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.” ― Charles Bukowski, Love is a Dog from Hell 



desirablelingerie


All that's left is your panties 
and little splotch
of oil
and that's how all my lover's leave
a moan and a sigh
and then
nothing.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Raw and Uncensored








Intoxicated again
off the wagon given
what's left isn't
recognizable
what's left
Is a shadow of
you loving me

and several hours of porn
convinced me your worthy
or not
but despite how others use you... 
I need you.